Ask Mother Fudge

In a sticky situation? All your fudgy problems solved with sage advice and guidance.

“Dear Mother Fudge, I have been having problems at work. Someone else just got the job I was running for, I just wanted to make everything great again, but everything’s just stupid apart from golf and CHINA! What shall I do?”

– Ronald Blunt, USA

Dear Ronald, Thank you for your courage in reaching out. Work can be a real clown competition sometimes, I am sure that most people can related to you. I certainly can. I work with this guy who is a total fudging nightmare. His name is Luna and he like-ee-da-tuna, if you know what I mean. He’s a cat, that’s what I meant.

Every day, he’s all up in my grill about quality control and production volumes. He’s all like ‘stop eating massive bits of fudge like a Snickers bar, it’s for the customers!’ Always on my ass. He can’t talk, his expense account reads like Captain Birdseye’s shipping inventory.

Making things great again is a difficult one. It’s not been great since those bloody Romans started with their roads and aqueducts. Sometimes the best thing to do is not make make things great at all. You might find that going and sitting quietly in a room somewhere away from people and cameras feels a lot better. You could get some Scalextric, grab a juice box.

Most importantly, you should – without hesitation – take a running fudge right in your own face. Fudge makes everything better. Fudge is the Preparation H of life. Have you seen Mary Poppins? Spoonful of sugar. Well imagine Dwayne the Rock Johnson is cast as Mary Poppins and the spoon is a Unicorn. That’s what we’re packing.

“Fudge is the Preparation H of life.”

Me – just then

Remember Ronald, it can always be worse. It’s not like 200 million people in your own country think you are a donkey brains. Then on top of that another 6 billion people worldwide consider you to be an embodiment of everything that is terrible about humanity. It’s not like that. That would be horrible. Not even fudge could help with that.

Ha! Just kidding, yes it could! Got your nose, where’s your nose gone? It’s still on your face. Classic. Now you run off and get some fudge in you, you little scamp. Have a game of golf and relax. Easy with the China thing though, you don’t want to end up like this guy…